Emotional Pressures

After finishing up a challenging task that I find distatesful but can’t change, I swell with bile and liquid rage. Amber fluid that flushes behind the eyes, begging to be vented through the lips and fingertips – a toxin that corrodes the faith of my friends.

I seek something I can really get angry at, yell at, and call terrible without the knowledge that someone around me is going to think I hate them, in a justified fashion. I should start putting racist and mysoginistic games on my wishlist just so I can have something to rage at in totally unfiltered ways without my friends dreading that I’m passive-aggressively telling them they’re dreadful people.

Hating things is something I’m actually good at. There are ideas that merit opposition, that merit rage even, yet you can’t say it. You can’t say things that are true, because in the reflection of their reflection of their reflection someone catches a glimpse of themselves. A dozen chat windows and almost none in which I can say what I think.

It’s unpleasant to know that the thing you’re good at is a thing nobody wants or needs.

2 comments

  1. Drea

    a) ‘the thing I’m good at’ implies that it is the only one you can do, at least as far as I’m reading it. Stop that before I beat you around the knees.

    b) we have this discussion all the time about you have to stop feeling the need to censor yourself around your friends quite so much. Yes, be considerate of their feelings, but it’s like… it’s like with Zex, how she can say hurtful, truthful, and rude things and people tend to understand that she’s not doing it maliciously and therefor it’s less likely they’ll hold onto any anger that comes from it.

    Most of us know – at least 99% of the time – that you wouldn’t do anything to seriously hurt us in any permanent way. Yes, we’re sometimes over-emotional (myself a major part of that, and I’m not saying it in a self-deprecating way, I just really am emotionally sensitive to a fault sometimes.) but you pushing things down to the point where you’re actually describing a physical sensation that happens is not good. That’s how we get ulcers.

    Wanna see my ulcers? they’re suckage (partially from stress, partially from a strange point in my life where all I ate for a month and a half was a tiny bag of cheese rings from the vending machine at school. Weird times, I digress though) and a lot of them have scarred over, and is partially the reason I have such digestive issues.

    WHAT I’M GETTING AT HERE IS, IF YOU NEED TO RAGE, tap one of us on the shoulder and say “Hey, you. I love you, but I need to be able to get some things out, is that okay?” because last time I checked, I have pointless rants at you just to get things out and make sure that on either side of that I’m telling you how much I care about you, not because you specifically need the reassurance, you self-confident cutie, but because it makes me feel less like I just assaulted my friend.

    This is a long as fuck comment, and probably nonsensical in some parts, but you know I’m having issues sleeping so take it for what it’s worth.

    Also, <3.