I want you to understand how I treat you.
Not you in the general; you, in the specific, who are my friends.
There are people who read this who don’t consider themselves my friends, who have never had a conversation with me. That’s okay. I want you to read this, too. I want you to be able to see how I think of my friends, the mindset I have that helps me handle my friendships and maintain good habits.
But you, the person reading this, this is how I think of treating you, as my friend.
I have two basic ideas here:
- Nobody is trying to be a problem
- Time is a gift
That’s it. Those two ideas guide all my friendships and my behaviour. Let me, as much as I can, explain it.
Nobody Is Trying To Be A Problem
Okay, this is easier said than done. The idea is pretty simple, it’s right there in the heading, right? But it’s an important thing to hold onto for when someone is being a problem. For a start, sometimes they’re not being a problem, the problem is something created in my mind. Like, let’s say someone is doing something with their time management that I think is a bad idea. I think that’s a problem, it’s going to mess with their life and make it difficult for them to do the things they say they want to.
Except that’s not a problem: that’s their choices. The problem that came up there is when I decided it was my place to make judgement calls about what was or wasn’t good for them. If they ask me for help in managing their time, then that’s them identifying a problem, and bringing it to me for their insight. But that’s a problem a person proposes, that’s a thing someone wants help with. They are not the problem.
In other social interactions, if two friends don’t like each other or agree with one another or even actively dislike one another, that’s a thing that needs to be considered not as them needing to get along, but instead considered in terms of them each expressing preferences. I don’t think because I’m friends with someone that my other friends should be friends with them. It’s a silly mistake to assume their common interest (me) is enough of a reason for them to get along in all ways.
You might have a panic attack. You might have depression. You might doom spiral. You might doom scroll. You might go quiet for months. None of these things are problems. Problems are the result of things not working well together, problems are things that can be improved upon. Thinking of a person as a problem is a way of thinking of the way they are being as inherently bad or flawed.
Even if you lash out at me, individually, and try to hurt me, that’s not you being a problem. That’s, potentially, a problem created by a thing you did, but the problem is not you.
Plus, I don’t actually care if you’re depressed when you do something that hurts me; I want you to not be depressed, if possible, but the immediate need is not hurting me. Making it so the problem is tied to something about yourself, or your emotional needs or mental health means that suddenly that problem, like say, standing on my toe, is not addressable until we accommodate an immense mindset problem. I care about what you’re doing, not about how you were thinking when you did it.
This idea is informed, in part, by anti-racism activist talks. I don’t remember who said it – but the comparison to standing on my toe comes from that. When I do something racist, being corrected to stop doing the racist thing is more important than negotiating about my mind state to ensure that you understand it did not come from a racist place. This can also tap into challenging emotional places when we discuss things like creations in representative art — that can involve discussing motivations and whatnot — but in the immediate sense, the focus is on what you’re doing to other people. Mindset stuff, mental and emotional landscapes, that stuff is hard and it’s stuff to negotiate on its own.
And vitally, nobody is doing this stuff, nobody is ever causing problems because they want to be a problem to me, their friend.
Time Is A Gift
Whenever a major social media website starts to contract, and there’s been a lot of that recently huh, there’s a conversation inevitably about people who think of themselves as friends wanting to build connections elsewhere, but never acting to do anything about it. People who have sat on the bus together for hours, as it were, but the idea of sharing names or contact information as they get up to leave together is beyond them. The struggle is often tied to a rejection sensitivity and a fear of being a bother.
To this end, and this is why you may notice me reaching out from time to time, is because time is a gift. When you spend time talking to me, you are giving me your time. That is precious. When I reach out to you, I am offering you my time. That is also precious. These are an exchange and the time is the thing that is meaningful. It does not matter that I approach you with a bag of weird geegaws and internet goofery that you may think ‘oh well, he’s always bringing something interesting and I’m just being boring.’ That’s not the exchange. The gift is the time. The gift is giving me your attention and being willing to point it to the things I show you.
Somewhere in my life, I saw one of those posters about reframing needs and apologies. Don’t say ‘sorry I’m late,’ say ‘thank you for waiting.’ Focus not on the thing that you did wrong, and instead focus on the other party’s concession for you. Recognise that the other people did something for you, not that you did something wrong to them. Of course, there are things you do need to apologise for, but if you’re reading this paragraph and objecting in your head, chances are you’re someone who thinks too much in terms of sorry and not enough in terms of thank you.
It is important to me that you know that your time you give to me is a gift.
And when you reach out to me, even with nothing to say but ‘how are you doing?’ then you are giving me some of your time.
And that is a gift.
It also helps to dissolve that tension of ‘well, what a bad conversation, I will surely get a bad grade at that.’ It helps to underscore the reminder that time is not an infinite resource. That time and attention are things that can be disrupted. When I think of your time as a gift and you have to go abruptly, I am not going to be incensed because I was entitled to more of it. You gave me the time you could, and that is the gift I receive.
And I thank you.