Sorry

I think about this tweet a lot.

I think about it because it’s Rob’s pinned tweet, and whenever I go to look at his timeline, that’s the first thing I see. It gives this air of a sort of fuddled, admitted sadness, an admission that there pretty much is always something going wrong. Sometimes it’s an apology for slipping up or for the environment or for misunderstanding or it’s slightly sarcastic but it always holds the tone of Rob’s tweets.

I think about it because I say it a lot. When trying to have a conversation, I’ll apologise for crosstalk. I’ll apologise for what I have to say because I’m afraid my opinions are harmful. I’ll apologise for being in a bad mood or for not listening. I’ll apologise all the time, and I’ll apologise when I realise that my apologies might sound insincere.

And I’ll apologise again, when at the end of a few weeks of thinking I’m doing okay, I realise that I’m really not, I’m screwing up and I’m hurting people, and I’m doing it all over again. And I’ll think I’m sorry and I’ll say I’m sorry and it won’t really feel like it’s doing the job.

I’m sorry if I’ve upset you recently. I’m not saying that to be a bullshit nonpology ‘I’m sorry you were upset.’ I’m saying that there’s a good chance I’ve upset you lately because of something I said or did and you were too kind to confront me on it. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’m sorry about the things I do that hurt you.

And hopefully it’ll be a few more weeks before I get like this again.

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