I wrote this back in 2011, as Finley was waiting overnight in the vet’s, trying to grapple with the feelings I had, trying to imagine some way that it would be okay for me to not be holding him as he suffered, as he tried to rest and deal with the pain in his midsection. It’s been on my mind since Tank’s falling ill – though with much more hope since Tank seems to be manageable. I advise against reading this if you are easily distressed.
It’s warm here.
I woke up feeling really awful the other day. My brothers were their normal selves – leaping around, running to the biscuits, darting at any loud noise. You know what little brothers are like.
But me? I was really sore in the midsection. Like I couldn’t sit properly or drink without my throat hurting. So I did what anyone would do, I went to get some attention about it.
And attention I got. Of course, it wasn’t all good – they left me alone for a bit, to see if I was just being grumpy. I wasn’t – I wobbled when I walked and I was just so sore. I didn’t want to do ANYTHING. And I was cold, really cold.
But they noticed – they picked me up, and poked, and prodded. Dad put his ear to my stomach – trying to hear my heart – and that just made it worse, really was uncomfortable. Then I had some water, and that didn’t help. I just wanted to lay down somewhere in the warm. So very sore.
Next thing I know, they’re talking in high voices at one another. Really worried sounding. I don’t know what’s got them so worried, it’s me who’s sore. I just wanted to find someplace to lay down. They pick me up, and I’m in the littlest room, but now it’s moving and I’m in a new towel. That was awful nice – they don’t normally give me a towel all to myself.
It was kinda a blur at this point. I tried to rest, but maaaan my gut hurt. Really hurt, and I was still cold, even in my new towel. Then the littlest room’s door opened, and they had me on a table, talking to someone I’ve never met before. She put something on my gut and listened to me, and seemed to notice – hey, my gut hurts! Brilliant! And then she stuck something in my butt, and that wasn’t very nice, but at least it stopped quickly.
Then they gave me a hug. I like hugs. I don’t do it often – they take too long. But they talked to me, and they hugged me, and then I went with this new person. She gave me some water, some biscuits, and poked me in the side with something. I don’t really understand what it was, but then I got a nice, quiet place to lie down, all by myself. It was warm there. It’s so nice to be warm after being so cold.
I woke up a few times. Once, I barfed, which wasn’t fun for anyone involved. But it was probably better for me than not barfing. I had some water this morning.
I don’t know where dad and mum are – but I know they’re going to come back for me, and they’re going to come back for my towel and for the littlest room. I know my little brothers are going to be buttheads and keep each other from worrying while I’m out. Right now, I just want to have a nice bit of sleep, without feeling my gut ache.
I hope they’re not worrying about me. I hope they’re lying somewhere warm, with a towel. I like being home, but I like being here right now. Here, I’m not hurting in my midsection. I’m just warm, and sleepy, and I have my towel. Maybe I’ll go home tomorrow.
I think I’ll close my eyes now.
Finley died about two weeks later.