And people say violence can't be therapeutic. And hey, they're Vampires, so it's not like you killed anyone. You merely inflicted an array of clawhammer-shaped injuries on people who now know better than to give out pointless bullshit fetch-carry puzzle-chain quests to people who have a more direct way to solve their problems.\n\nThankfully, with them cleared out, it's a straight line to <em>Her</em> place. You pull your jacket up around your shoulders, tuck your trusty claw hammer at your hip, and run forwards. \n\nOh shit-\n\nHang on!\n\nYou didn't get a present! U-uhm. Maybe she'd like something you brought with you anyway?\n\n[[Here's Hoping|Finale1]]\n\n[[Inventory]]

Okay! So let's get started! \n\nYou live in an apartment that probably was built in an alleyway - there's almost no horizontal movement, but you do have three storeys of space: A basement to brood in, a bedroom for music practice and sexy times, and of course, where you start, [[the foyer]].

Thanks for playing <em>Girl With A Clawhammer!</em> \n\nIf you found this story fun, please check out my [[blog|http://press.arts-eclectic.com/]], where I post game reviews, an ongoing serialised story, and I even give away some books for free! Or if you're more into twitter, I'm [[@Talen_Lee|https://twitter.com/Talen_Lee]]!\n\n<center>~~Many thanks to Shrike and Fox for their help debugging.~~</center>

<h2>Upstairs Bedroom</h2>\nHere's your bedroom, which, when you realised you lived here on your own, you decided to decorate in the way <strong>you</strong> wanted. That's why there are posters for videogames and bands you dig over the black painted walls. The window stuck up on the high wall is barricaded, but you painted the barricade black. The purple trim on the barricades was just a stylistic choice and you did have to do <em>something</em> with all that leftover paint.\n\nThere's your [[dresser]] here, and there's your [[mirror]]<<if $hasipod is false>>, and there's the [[crate]] your massive UV light was shipped in. You dumped it up here because hey, free wood!<<else>>. There's also <<if $hasstakes is false>>a big pile of [[broken wood][$hasstakes=true]], the remnants of 'moving' the crate.<<else>>some forlorn chunks of wood too small to make good menacing weaponry.<<endif>><<endif>>\n\nCourse, you can head back down to [[the foyer]].\n\n[[Inventory|Inventory]]

<<if $fac is 0>><<set $bullshit += 1>>When you make your way into the midst of the Rockers, the tall one with a double bass leans forwards. Your narrative intuition fails you on them – the only pronoun that seems to make sense without asking is <em>them</em>. They’re tall, statuesque, with a noble aquiline nose, but also with flinty, grey eyes that are clearly faking being warm and greeting. Androgynous and intimidating, they offer a pointed smile when you draw close.\n\nThen they talk for a few moments to no effect. Your expression of unimpressed irritation draws a raised eyebrow, followed by a look of revelation, and they pull out a smartphone. A moment of scribbling, then they present it to you, with text on it: \n\n<span style="color:#e371ed">Forgive us our territorial dispute, darling. Right now there’s a bit of a problem with the Montagues over there. Would you be so kind as to ask them to clear the fuck off? They’re refusing to listen to us.</span>\n\n[[Back|previous()][$fac = 1]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 1>>The leader of the Rockers looks at you inquisitively when you return. Before you can really attempt to say anything, they tap on your headphones, and hold up the smartphone again: <span style="color:#e371ed">Forgive us our territorial dispute, darling. Right now there’s a bit of a problem with the Montagues over there. Would you be so kind as to ask them to clear the fuck off? They’re refusing to listen to us.</span>\n\n[[Back|previous()]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 2>><<set $bullshit += 1>>The leader of the Rockers raises an exquisite eyebrow when you present them with the cereal box. There’s clearly some choice words being said, as they hold the box in one hand and smack their hand against it repeatedly. Peering at the box, as if it might contain some hidden message amongst its garish bright logo design and interminable tiger-and-toucan mascots on the cover, they finally turn to you, throwing the box aside and producing the smartphone again.\n\n<em>Tappity tappity tap</em>, you can imagine the sound those hands make on the phone, even if you can’t hear them. They turn it around and show it to you.\n\n<span style="color:#e371ed">The decoder ring dropoff went wrong because Mnts insisted on bringing weapons. Bring me the bishop’s crosier as proof of good intentions.</span> Then, they look at the screen, frustrated, and tap-tap-tap it clear before replacing the message: <span style="color:#e371ed">The long stick with a cross on top.</span>\n\n[[Back|previous()][$fac=3]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 3>>You head back towards the Rockers’ leader, but they’re giving you a total blank, turning back to some subordinate, as if gearing up for another aggressive push against the Montagues. \n\nHonestly, it’s pretty snotty behaviour, considering you’re doing them a favour. Still, they wanted that bishop stick, didn’t they? \n\n[[Back|previous()]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 4>><<set $bullshit += 1>>This time the note yields a clear tantrum from the Rockers’ leader. In full Bowie Dudgeon, they storm around, waving arms in the air, saying some words you think might be Ukranian, and you’re sure are rude. Then they turn back to you, <em>tappa-tappa-tapping</em> on the phone and presenting it.\n\n<span style="color:#e371ed">If they think we’re giving up the game cartridge for <em>Leather Jacket Gaiden IV</em> they r <em>idiots</em>. We’ll give it back when we’ve finished it and no sooner. Get us the strategy guide and that might change my mind.</span>\n\n[[Back|previous()][$fac=5]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 5>>The Rockers want a strategy guide. The leader keeps moving away as you approach, in a way that seems perfectly designed to tick you off.\n\n[[Back|previous()]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 6>><<set $bullshit += 1>>When you come back, after heading over the Montagues, the leader of the Rockers has clearly had some time to prepare. This time they’re waiting near the edge of the gang, phone in their hand, and seem eager to read the note. \n\nThey then crumple the note up, type away for a moment and present the phone to you: <span style="color:#e371ed">We have some bricks they can use, but only if they’re willing to swap us some baklava.</span>\n\n[[Back|previous()][$fac=7]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 7>>Baklava.\n\nBaklava.\n\nYou can’t go back and talk to the leader of the Rockers yet, because the ostentatious asshole has sent you on an errand to talk to a rival gang member about some dessert pastries. \n\nBecause.\n\nFucking because. \n\nGrrrrrrnggghhh.\n\n[[Back|previous()]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 8>>No.\n\nNo, no, no. You are not dealing with those idiots again.\n\n[[Back|previous()][$bullshit=10]]<<endif>>

<<if $hithydrant < 5>>Raising yourself up, you hold the stake high in your hand and <em>smash</em> it down against the last red patch on the fire hydrant, the sharp tip impacting against the steel and penetrating it exactly the same way a marshmallow wouldn't. Thing is, you're a badass woman made of iron, but the hydrant is pretty tough as well, and that stake is the weak link in this relationship. It crumbles into splinters in your hand.\n\nFortunately, you have extras. Of course, you'd have to be pretty silly to keep trying this.<<else>>You regard the pile of wood chips and splinters around the base of the hydrant. While you may have scratched a pretty badass set of scars into the paint job, you haven't exactly done anything else to the hydrant. Maybe these stakes are useful for something else.<<endif>>\n\n[[Back|previous()]]

You raise your mighty hammer over your head, fist clenched tight and release a primal yell. Swinging the hammer down onto the burning hood of a car, you send sparks and ash flying around, wild tapers of white-hot frustration that serve as metaphor for your inability to progress. Lo, there is no hintline in this life! Is there no justice? \n\nA few more smashing hits and you feel a bit better. The cars are still on fire, though.\n\n[[Yeah, well, I can still do that again, right?|previous()]]

You got this crate up here in a hurry. It isn't very heavy, but since you weren't paying much attention when you dropped it on the floor and kicked it in, it's smehow wedged underneath your bed a little, stuck on the floor and the metal pipes. Worse, it ricocheted on the way in, right up against the wall, so there's basically no room to drag it out.\n\n[[Reason With Crate|cratetalk]]\n<<if $hasoil is true>>[[Use Oil On Crate|oilcrate][$hasoil=false]], to make moving it easier.<<endif>>\n[[Use Clawhammer On Crate|hammercrate1]]\n\n[[Look around for other options first|upstairs]]\n[[Inventory]]

Rubbing the oil on your fingertips, you carefully apply the oil to each nail in the barricade, working it underneath the head as best you can. The wood, being unvarnished, absorbs some of the oil, and after twenty minutes of painstaking work, you achieve absolutely nothing except greasy fingers and a lot of nails that look like they're sweating.\n\n[[... Why did I think that was a good idea, again?|previous()][$oiledfdoor=true]]

<center><h1>Girl With A Clawhammer</h1>\n<em>An Adventure</em>\n\n[[Begin!|Beginning]]</center>

You have:\nYour trusty claw hammer.\n<<if $hasoil is true>>A can with some oil in it.<<endif>>\n<<if $hasstakes is true>>Some useful wooden stakes for Vampire murder.<<endif>>\n<<if $hasipod is true>>Your non-branded MP3 music player and sound-cancelling headphones.<<endif>>\n<<if $hasscissors is true>>A pair of stout crafting scissors, perfect for slicing through paper, small cables, and incredibly feeble bonds.<<endif>>\n<<if $haschain is true>>A thin little chain cut off a fire hydrant.<<endif>>\n\n[[Back|previous()]]

Alright, let's see, from the top down, you got your chunky chain stolen from a biker. Your leather jacket's resting over a white tee shirt, which hides a sports bra, because, uh, duh, vampire hunting without a bra is incredibly stupid. It's a bit of a shame to hide your rockin' abs and badass shoulders, but heck to that noise when it's cold out. Down at the waist, thick belt that used to be used to secure a parachute (no really) and thick-fabric, heavy wearing green military surplus pants. Boots? Of course! Big stompy leather monsters designed for kicking down doors and planting defiantly on-stage as you rock out. \n\nYou know what? You're looking pretty rad!\n\n[[I know.|previous()]]

<h2>The Foyer</h2>\n<<if $hasipod is false>>You've already barricaded your house shut against vampire attacks, and been very careful about never inviting any vampires inside. That's why you have a huge UV light in the front hall to shine on all guests before you let them in. Problem is, this morning you reinforced the barricades around the house and in your fervour, you accidentally barricaded shut your front door.\n\nNormally, you wouldn't care about that. But <em>today</em>? Today you are going to <em>wreck some shit</em>. First things first, though, you need your <strong>Non-Branded MP3 player</strong>, so you don't hear The Note, or have to listen to dire 1990s power ballads. Not even the <em>good</em> power ballads. We're talking Billy Ray Cyrus here.\n\n<<endif>>You can head [[upstairs]] <<if $hasipod is false>>to look for your iPo-I mean your MP3 Player - <<endif>>or you can check the [[basement]]. <<if $hasipod is true>>Since you're armoured against the music outside, though, it seems time to deal with [[the front door|frontdoor]].<<endif>>\n\n[[Inventory|Inventory]]\n

<center><h2>[[SMASH!|hammerfdoor2]]</h2></center>

It's a fire hydrant. Once it was red, until people became superstitious about the colour of blood attracting Vampires. Now it's splashed with white and yellow all over and looks a bit like street art.\n\nThe impassive metal dwarf has a face if you look at it from a certain angle, which is complicated by the chain hanging out of its 'nose,' giving it a defiant, punk expression. Fortunately, while the police were shut down recently, the water works and power company still - mostly - do their jobs, suggesting this hydrant will work. \n\n[[Unscrew the Hydrant|gaghydrant]]\n<<if $hasoil is true>>[[Use Oil on Hydrant|oilhydrant][$hasoil=false]]<<endif>>\n<<if $hasscissors is true>><<if $haschain is false>>[[Use Scissors on Chain|scissorshydrant][$haschain=true]]<<endif>><<endif>>\n<<if $hasstakes is true>>[[Use Stake on Hydrant|stakehydrant][$hithydrant += 1]]<<endif>>\n[[Use Clawhammer on Hydrant|hammerhydrant1]]\n\n[[Seek other options.|fireplace]]\n[[Inventory]]

<h2>Raging Street Fire</h2>\nThe fire rages across the whole central line of the street. Man, cars burn way better than you'd think they would. Through all the heavy smoke that billows off them, chances are, nobody can see you on the far side. That sucks - you can't stand here, all menacing, looking through the flames, and growl out badass phrases.\n\n[[Examine The Fire|fire]]\n<<if $seehydrant is true>>[[Examine the Hydrant|hydrant]]<<else>>[[Examine The Street|searchstreet1][$seehydrant=true]]<<endif>>\n\n[[Inventory]]

A quick check on the street indicates that it's pretty much exactly what you expect. Black stuff you could call asphalt or bitumen, lines that represent the traffic laws that people will ignore if they think they can get away with it, a fire <strong>hydrant</strong> on the side of the road and a screwed-shut sewer plate. \n\n[[Hang on, that's interesting.|previous()]]

The wooden construction comes up to your knee, and has been thoroughly soaked in holy water and rubbed down with garlic. You've always really liked bats - they're awfully cute - and the propensity of vampires to claim the skies at night makes it risky for the little guys to make long journeys across the city. You set this thing up to put on your roof so they could roost in there for a little bit, maybe eat the bugs that float around your apartment. \n\nA drunk vampire crashed into it a few nights ago, smacking open one side. Bonus, he staked himself on the broken wood, so that was a twofer. Now you've got to repair it, but that'll have to wait for later.\n\n[[Back|previous()]]

<h2>The Montagues' Side</h2>\nThese Montagues are an almost embarassingly classic vampire group. They've got that sort of punk style that understood that at some point 1989 rolled over to 1990 and the rest of the world moved on, but they're just not quite ready to commit to this 'future' thing. You see more safety pins here than in an OCD nanny's handbag, hair shaved into crude shapes and dyed pink, styled wild and everyone stands in that Mick Jagger way that puts their lower lip forwards in an eternal sneer-pout. \n\nNone of the Montagues look at you like you're out of place, though. They seem far more interested in the Rockers, across the street. Maybe it's the leather jacket. Maybe it's the tacit understanding you could fold any one of them into a pretzel and they'd live through it to remember the whole experience.\n\n[[Talk to the Montagues' Leader|MontagueLeader]]\n[[Trade with the Montagues|mont2]]\n[[Observe the Montagues to learn their elaborate clan history|mont3]]\n\n[[Back To The Street|street2]]\n[[Inventory]]

Okay, how exactly is that meant to work? It's a fire, it's enormous. It's a conflagration of burning leather and plastics and oil, an unending symbol of the universal entropy that can claim even the Undead Gangsters that plague LaRox. Your scissors would do... exactly... what?\n\n[[... I dunno, it was worth a try.|previous()]]

By the looks of things, the main problem wearing a suit would have is the difficulty in revealing <em>the gun show</em>. The waistcoat cinches in the middle without being extravagent, things are held in firm without making you look like a tube of toothpaste and the suit actually sits really well on the shoulderblades in back. \n\nThis was mostly gleaned by gesturing politely at a few of the lady Rockers who are about the same size and shape as you.\n\n[[Back|previous()]]

The Rockers stay true to their name, you <em>think</em>, and have a literal bandstand as part of their little mobile warzone. There's a big pair of speakers on it, which thrub heavily with a rhythm, and when you're close enough, you don't have to hear it. You can just feel it, rippling through the concrete of the ground and up into the bones of your legs. \n\nAhh. Music does soothe the savage beast. And honestly, even if they're mostly doing it by bopping from heel to heel, the Rockers near the stand can <em>dance</em>.\n\n[[Back|previous()][$bullshit -=1]]\n

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t \n}\n.passage a {\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}\n\n#non-footer-container > :last-child {\n padding: 2em;\n}

You draw yourself up, arms hanging down by your sides and clench your fist. Your trusty clawhammer in the other hand, you narrow your eyes, glaring through the fire at whatever lays between you and <em>Her</em>, and spit the first thing to come to mind:\n\n"<<print either("If you're wrong, you're dead wrong.", "Good. Bad. I'm the girl with a clawhammer.", "I may not have a cause, but I'll sure as hell have an effect.", "You are on thin fucking ice, and I will be under you when it breaks.", "Way I see it, Jack just left town.", "You're asking yourself if she swung that clawhammer five times or six.", "Man, fuck cancer.","You don't get it, fire. I am the danger. I am the one who knocks.","YEAH, CLAWHAMMERS BITCH.","This is my clawhammer. There are many like it, but this one is mine.","Oh, you're two thousand years too early to deal with me.","BRICK TO THE FACE!","Dare you. I fucking <em>dare</em> you.")>>"\n\nHmmm, that felt good. [[Now, then, about this fire.|previous()]]

Girl With A Claw Hammer

You take the the collection of vampire-killing stakes in your hand and attempt as best you can to wedge them into the wooden barricade over your front door. Then, with the pieces fixed into place, you survey your handiwork and wonder <em>exactly</em> what that was meant to accomplish. A moment later, recognising how impractical it is to attempt to destroy a large wooden barricade with what must amount to sharp sticks, you take the stakes back. \n\n[[Back|previous()]]

The midnight streets roll and buck with conflict and danger. Six years ago, the government of LaRox (French for 'It Rocks') City tried to clamp down on violence by building sound systems across the whole city, to play the Control Note and calm all the warring citizens down. It worked... for a while. Gangs dispersed, crime diminished, the police were phased out. It all worked out perfectly - almost too perfectly. The government were not prepared for one thing, though.\n\n<em>Vampires</em> weren't affected by the note.\n\nVampire gang violence became the defining crime in a city without police to respond with their own form of criminal violence. Then they hacked the sound systems and the cities blare with the booming sounds of <em>rock</em> and <em>rage</em>. \n\nYou don't care, though.\n\nSee, it's her birthday. <em>Her</em> birthday. You know. <strong>Her</strong>. You've been invited to her place for a party, and even though you live here, on the other side of the city in a barricaded house, you're not going to sit down and <em>wait</em>. You're not that kind of girl. You're the kind who grabs what she can and solves problems and has an adventure. \n\nYou are the Girl With A Claw Hammer\n\n[[... Okay?|okay]]\n[[Fuckin' Rad.|rad]]\n\n

<h2>The Corner Of Fetch And Carry</h2>\n<<if $street2arrival is false>>Vampires.\n\nIt always comes down to goddamn vampires.\n\nThere's a fight going on at the end of the street, as two warring factions of Vampire Gangsters - the Montagues and the Rockers - clash in open combat. These guys are genre-savvy vampires, though, so nobody is carrying a holy symbol or a wooden stake or a weapon that could be used to decapitate. See, the second you carry one of those things, you paint yourself as a bigger target, <em>and</em> you come with a sure-fire way to be destroyed. It's just waiting for Death By Dramatic Irony.\n\nThe fights follow a predictable pattern; two sides tussle for a few minutes, then everyone gets roughed up and backs off a little, because everyone is undead and nobody can do anything too meaningful. \n\nThey're saying things. Hell, they're yelling things, at one another. Since you have your noise-cancelling headphones on, though, you can't tell what the hell they're saying. Something about thumbs and mothers? It's hard to say. You might be able to work things out if you get closer to one of the yellers.\n\n<<set $street2arrival=true>><<endif>>The street is wide, but the two gangs form a barrier on each side, and when you draw near the center, they swarm in against one another, as if you're somehow a point of contention that makes them want to fight each other. What idiots.\n\n[[Talk To The Montagues|montagues]]\n[[Talk To The Rockers|rockers]]\n<<if $bullshit > 5>>[[USE CLAWHAMMER ON VAMPIRES|vampfight]]<<endif>>\n\n[[Inventory]]

The chain isn't very strong, unlike you. Also, it's thin enough that with the right pressure in the right spot, the chain snaps free and breaks from the plug, into your hand. Great! Now you just need to find some practical purpose for a loose chain that's small enough that you can break it with a pair of scissors.\n\n[[Bet that's my only chance to have grabbed that!|previous()]]\n

This is your dresser, in which you keep all your <em>secrets</em>, or rather, your collection of clothes. Once upon a time, you organised them so the bottom drawer had stockings, leggings, and socks - you know, <em>feet related</em> clothing, then the middle drawer had leggings, pants, shorts, <em>butt related</em> clothing, and then the top drawer had shirts and some shorts and underwear and other tops. This lasted for four, maybe five days. Bending down to get socks every morning <em>sucked ass</em>.\n\nNow, each drawer is cut thick with the strata of laundry, unfolded and stuffed in. You have greater concerns, after all. <em>Vampire gangs</em>. \n\n[[Oh shit, those guys, yeah!|previous()]] \n

With a final blow, the barricade yields to your might and the last of the nails tumble down to the ground. \n\nThe door is freed from your overenthusiastic home protection! Really, you'd have to be a bit crazy to think that defending your home is <em>so</em> important as to barricade the front door shut. Still, that level of crazy is something everyone can appreciate, men and women. Maybe next time you can just build a maze or something to defend your possessions. A woman's home is her castle, after all! \n\nNow then! With your music player protecting you from The Note, and the long pathway from here to <em>Her</em> door, you've got better things to do than think about stupid doctrines upheld by sexist shitheads. You put on your headphones, you turn up the volume, and you press play. It's time to go.\n\n[[Onwards!|street1]]

How's this supposed to work, anyway? The crate's stuck against the wall, the floor, and your bed. You smear the oil all over the metal parts of it, and some on the floor, and now all you have to show for it is a greasy, messy floor. \n\nOh well, you can clean that up later. \n\n[[Well, I mean, it was worth trying...|previous()][$oiledcrate=true]]

You pick up the can of oil, momentarily annoyed that you've got greasy stuff on your fingers. Oh well. Surely this will wind up being useful!\n\n[[Back|previous()][$hasoil=true]]

What? What kind of attitude is that!? Come on, you're a girl with a claw hammer, on a quest to visit your crush's birthday party and not a single Vampire Gang is going to get in your way! \n\nNow what do you say to that?\n\n[[Rad!|okay2]]

You can't take your bass with you! It's <strong>way</strong> too precious to risk being getting vampire blood on it! And if you take it to <em>Her</em> place, you won't be able to invite her back here to 'hang out, and listen to me play.'\n\nThink, c'mon!\n\n[[Back|previous()]]

<center><h2>[[PRY!|hammerfdoor3]]</h2></center>

<center><h2>[[BREAK!|hammerfdoor4]]</h2></center>

Fire billows and belches, rising in rolling clouds. The cars burn longer and hotter than their size would suggest. Chances are, whatever paranoid idiot in your street set this fire up doused the cars with petrol or gasoline, soaking into the machinery and the leather. Still, you're not about to let mere <em>fire</em> stand between you and <em>Her</em>. \n\n[[Stand Menacingly And Say Something Badass|badassphrases]]\n<<if $hasoil is true>>[[Use Oil On Fire|fireoil][$hasoil=false]]<<endif>>\n<<if $hasscissors is true>>[[Use Scissors On Fire.|firescissors]]<<endif>>\n[[Use Clawhammer On Fire|hammerfire]]\n\n[[Reconsider Your Options|fireplace]]\n[[Inventory]]

<h2>Your Street</h2>\nYou're now standing in the street, right outside your house. Thanks to vampire gangs, it's actually really safe <em>inside</em>, provided you haven't invited any vampires in and keep your windows barricaded, <em>and</em> have some way to block the music, <em>and</em> you're not in a house that's too flammable <em>and</em> you're not likely to need to leave the house in an emergency at night <em>and-</em>\n\nOkay, look, it's still safer than it is on the street.\n\nRight now on your street, there's nothing happening aside from that fire down the end of the street. Seems someone had piled up some cars and set them alight, probably because vampires aren't keen about having their undead flesh turned into ash. If the fire was down the other end of the street you'd be okay with that, but the fire now lies between you and <em>Her</em>.\n\nYour <<if $hasscissors is true>>mailbox<<else>>[[mailbox]]<<endif>>, sunk into the wall by your front door, overflows with mail. The [[fire|fireplace]] at the end of the street merits investigation, and across the way, you can see a [[ladder]] propped up against a neighbour's apartment, the front door barricaded shut from the outside. \n\n[[Inventory]]

You look up the ladder, which has nobody around to claim it. It's a great big thing, able to reach a full storey off the ground, made out of metal, with nice rubber feet. Honestly, this? This is a pretty good ladder. \n\nIt's also about fifty kilos of metal and it's three times your height. Any fantasies you have about taking it with you to solve later puzzles are immediately dashed as you visualise yourself trying to coolly negotiate your way past two Vampire Gangsters with elaborate riddles, with this thing strapped to your back like some sort of paralysed Condorman.\n\n[[Screw it, who needs a ladder anyway.|previous()]]

<<if $fac is 0>>The leader of the Montagues doesn’t want to talk to you. Possibly it’s the headphones, but there is also the fact you’re a terrifying force of nature with a hammer in her hand. Chances are he didn’t become the leader of a gang of vampires without recognising when to avoid a threat.\n\t\n[[Back|previous()]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 1>><<set $bullshit += 1>>When you arrive with a sense of purpose about you, the Montagues circle around you carefully. The way they draw back and unconsciously look to another for support lets you find the leader oh-so-easily.\n\nThe leader of the Montagues has a beard the size of your forearm and his hair done up in spikes easily as high as your clawhammer, dyed bright pink and smelling like bananas. Short leather vest and a bright pink tutu finish the look, along with the brass knuckles that seem to <em>dare</em> people to laugh at him.\n\nThree minutes of incredibly frustrating charades follow, in which you manage to convey to him that the Rockers want them gone. At a gesture from him, a Montague brings a cereal box, which he flattens and writes on with a bright marker.\n\n<span style="color:#e7b60a">We know they want us to leave. We’re not going anywhere until we have our decoder ring back, and you can tell that suited asshole I said that.</span> \n\nYou suspect you received the toned-down version of the comment. After all, writing all the swears the vampire was clearly mouthing would have taken even more time. You take the cereal box in hand, and the Montague leader nods to you to suggest you can go on.\n\n[[Back|previous()][$fac=2]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 2>>\nYou move back to the Montagues, but remember you’re still holding the cereal box, which has the message:\n\n<span style="color:#e7b60a">We know they want us to leave. We’re not going anywhere until we have our decoder ring back, and you can tell that suited asshole I said that.</span> \n\nYou doubt they’re going to want it back, at least.\n\n[[Back|previous()]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 3>><<set $bullshit += 1>>This time the Montagues leader just gestures you closer, seeing you coming without the cereal box, with a certain air of purpose to you. A sequence of gestures show how hopeful he was that you’d have the ring, which you have to dash – mostly by shrugging and shaking your head.\n\nGesturing to the Montague who has the staff, you point at it, then over at the Rockers. The Montague leader produces another note – writing on it energetically. \n\n<span style="color:#e7b60a">That jackass can have the crozier when they explain why they stole our Collectors Edition of <em>Leather Jacket Gaiden IV</em>.</span>\n\nThen he shoves the paper into your hand and gestures for you to head off. \n\n[[Back|previous()][$fac=4]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 4>>\nYou draw close to the Montagues, but the leader seems to be missing. Did... is he <em>hiding</em> from you? What a coward!\n\n[[Back|previous()]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 5>><<set $bullshit += 1>>This time they’re waiting for you. The Montagues leader has a wary air about him, as if he’s wisely careful about testing your patience.\n\n<span style="color:#e7b60a">Strategy guide won’t do them any good. Besides, we’re using it to hold open the door in the building behind us. You think you can get us a phone book to replace it?</span> the scribbled note asks this time.\n\n[[Back|previous()][$fac=6]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 6>>The Montagues want something to prop open a door. You’re not even going to bother going and talking to them just to watch the supposed leader of a vampire gang assign some complete stranger a meaningless chore like this as if it somehow means something. Quite frankly, it makes your knuckles itch.\n\n[[Back|previous()]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 7>><<set $bullshit += 1>>You have a hell of a time charading your way through the word ‘baklava’ and it’s not helped by them at first misunderstanding it for Balaclava and starting to get you some bootleg TISM DVDs. When you finally make them realise you’re talking about the nutty, honeyed Middle-Eastern snack, there’s a contentious knot of the Montagues huddling around their leader with a surprising amount of energy.\n\nFingers are counted. Eyebrows knot. There’s clearly some horse-trading going on, some energy to animate them. \n\nThen the leader comes to you with a new piece of paper.\n\nYou don’t read it.\n\n[[Back|previous()][$fac=8]]<<endif>><<if $fac is 8>>No.\n\nNo, no, no. You are not dealing with those idiots again.\n\n[[Back|previous()][$bullshit=10]]<<endif>>\n

Your mailbox is stuffed full of bills and non-digital spam, and in some cases they're bills worth paying. After all, medical procedures don't come cheap these days in the cold hard world of LaRox city, which isn't quite Canada and isn't quite America but they spell neighbour with a u. Being too definite about where it is might be alienating to people, after all, as players are tender little flowers who can handle the fantasy of turning into a dragon with a jetpack, but balk at the idea of having boobs. Still, amongst the letters - hahah! \n\nYou mailed away for this stationary sampler weeks ago, and it finally arrived! You tear the package open and find a few nice pens, and a <strong>stout pair of scissors</strong>. Always can find a use for a pair of scissors!\n\n[[Back|previous()][$hasscissors=true]]

<center><h2>[[THUD!|hammercrate2]]</h2></center>

--Let the player undo moves? (on / off)\n--In Sugarcane, this enables the browser's back button.\n--In Jonah, this lets the player click links in previous\n--passages.\n\nUndo: on\n\n--Let the player use bookmarks? (on / off)\n--This enables the Bookmark links in Jonah and Sugarcane\n--(If the player can't undo, bookmarks are always disabled.)\n\nBookmark: on\n\n--Obfuscate the story's HTML source to prevent possible\n--spoilers? (swap / off)\n\nObfuscate: off\n\n--String of letter pairs to use for swap-style obfuscation\n\nObfuscateKey: pbuozeysdhvrqifktcgajlwxnm\n\n--Include the jQuery script library? (on / off)\n--Individual scripts may force this on by\n--containing the text 'requires jQuery'.\n\njQuery: off\n\n--Include the Modernizr script library? (on / off)\n--Individual scripts/stylesheets may force this on by\n--containing the text 'requires Modernizr'.\n\nModernizr: off\n

<center><h2>[[WHACK!|hammercrate4]]</h2></center>

<center><h2>[[SMACK!|hammercrate3]]</h2></center>

<<if $oiledhydrant is true>>Trying to grab the nut of this hydrant is damn near impossible. It's been covered in oil, which may, maybe make it easier to turn, but it's also made it pretty much impossible to grip.<<else>>You grip the hydrant's nut in your hand quite hard, and try to turn it. But it's fixed in tight, like they use some sort of machinery to do it.<<endif>> The nut is flat on each side, though, so you could probably get it to turn with a good, solid strike.\n\n[[Hhmmm, you don't say?|previous()]]

The crate smashes into parts, undone by your violent assault. Why, what a simple and practical solution to the problem. Good thing you've got a hammer - millions of uses, a hammer! \n\nUnder the splintered wreckage of the crate, you find your music player - which makes sense. You probably dropped it off the charger on your bedside one morning, and the crate wound up wedged atop it! Well, now you can [[get going!|upstairs][$hasipod=true]]

<h2>The Basement</h2>\nThe steps on the way down to your basement are too narrow, forming something that's a little more like a very fat ladder than an actual staircase. Down here the air is a little more moist, in response to the powerful coastal influence of LaRox Bay. As with all basements, this is the room you use to store an almighty pile of junk that you don't want to throw away, including the boxes for every other piece of junk you own.\n\nAmongst all the crap you have accumulated and put down here are signs of abandoned projects. There's your [[bass]], which is obviously way too important to take out of the house right now. <<if $tookoil is true>><<else>>There's a can of [[oil][$tookoil=true]] here.<<endif>> There's also that little [[bat house]] you made to shelter non-vampiric bats.\n\nYou can head upstairs to [[the foyer]]. \n\n[[Inventory|Inventory]]

You sit down and for a long, serious moment, ask the crate why it's choosing to be obstructionist to your plan. You explain to the crate why it's important to you to move it, and how no matter how <<if $oiledcrate is false>>comfortable it may feel where it is right now,<<else>>sticky and gross it may feel right now<<endif>> it's simply not a viable long-term strategy to remain stuck where it is. You outline ways in which you respect the crate's feelings, and how as a hard, tough thing that's useful for breaking windows, you and the crate have something in common, and can appreciate one another. \n\n[[Back|previous()]]

<center><h2>[[POUND!|vampfight2]]</h2></center>

<h2>The Front Door</h2>\nThis stout motherfucker was part of your barricading frenzy earlier today. Bit embarassing, really, since with the UV Lamp on, you don't have to worry about vampires coming in, but gangs are gangs, and they do throw stuff. Barricading yourself in with planks nailed over the doorway may be a bit embarassing now, but on the other hand <em>shhhh</em>. \n\nThe door is stoutly barricaded closed.\n\n[[Examine the Keyhole|gagfdoor]]\n<<if $hasoil is true>>[[Use Oil On Barricade|oilfdoor][$hasoil=false]], to hopefully slip the nails out of the wood.<<endif>>\n<<if $hasstakes is true>><<if $stakeddoor is false>>[[Use Stakes On Barricade|stakedoor][$stakeddoor=true]]<<endif>><<endif>>\n[[Use Clawhammer On Barricade|hammerfdoor1]]\n\n[[Inventory]]

You can't hear many of the things these Rockers have to say through the headphones. But you still catch a few snippets as you make your way through the crowds. <<print either("One Rocker catches your gaze, lowering his chin to try and make his beard seem more of a deliberate decision, and tips his fedora, mouthing what you can only assume is 'm'lady.'","A pair of Rockers are engaged in some sort of animated conversation which involves waving vuvuzelas at one another. You can't help but notice that no other Rockers are associating with those two.","Incongruous for his pinstriped suit, one Rocker is wearing a shirt that declares 'Cool Story Babe, Now Get Me A Sandwich.'","Some barrel-bellied gangster is thumbing his way eagerly through a dog-eared copy of 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'","You pass behind a Rocker grinningly checking his Bitcoin wallet.")>> These Rockers may have good fashion sense, but there's an irritating taint to them.\n\n[[Grrr...|previous()]]

Your observations have a certain Jade Goodall quality to them, since you can't hear the words they say to one another, and they're bipedal monkeys that are pretty much just like humans. The main thing you glean is that at some point, the Montagues must have raided a fishnet shipping container, or possibly juked all the Sailor Moon Merchandise in existence. \n\nThe examination proves fruitless, but at least it calmed you down a little.\n\n[[Back|previous()][$bullshit -=1]]\n

Yeah! You could grab some broken chunks of wood and use them as stakes, maybe to wield against the Vampires! That's a totally reasonable application of broken wood, and if videogames have taught you anything, it's that you <em>always</em> need to pick up everything that's not nailed down. Especially if they were nailed down at first. This plan is brilliant!\n\n[[Back|previous()]]

<h2>The Rockers' Side</h2>\nIt's like you walked into a <em>Mighty Mighty Bosstones</em> cosplay party here. Everyone is wearing a pinstripe suit, some ill-fitting, some fitting far too nicely. Maybe you should get a suit sometime. You know, it might impress Her. Anyway, the Rockers stand around with a host of different props. Some are conspicuously holding cigars they can't smoke, or wearing [[fedoras][$bullshit +=1]] or holding oversized instrument cases. The one carrying a double bass may be some kind of leader?\n\n[[Talk to the Rockers' Leader|RockerLeader]]\n[[Look for a band|rock2]]\n[[Investigate suit options|rock3]]\n\n[[Back To The Street|street2]]\n[[Inventory]]

Unscrewing the cap on the oil can, you tip it up over the fire hydrant, carefully focusing the thick oil around the bolt. The fluid slithers down the outside of the bolt, no doubt filling crooks and nooks, which isn't nearly as useful as you might imagine. Still, it's now markedly more slippery, and a lot more flammable, which is what you want from something that will only be used when there's a fire around. \n\nOn the other hand, you've now made it too slippery to get a good grip on. \n\n[[Oh god damnit.|previous()][$oiledhydrant=true]]

With a burst of cold water, the nut flies off ~~hee hee hee~~ and arcing waves of foaming water shoot out in a wash that fizzes and spits as it floods the cars. The fire makes a valiant effort but turns to from a raging inferno to gouting steam in only moments, and then you get to do a <em>totally sweet</em> slide across a slick car hood, clawhammer held high, through billowing clouds. \n\nYour heavy boots <em>smack</em> the road. Maybe there's the music going on, maybe there's the Note - it's impossible to tell, since just as you swing your weight over, <em>your favourite song</em> starts up on your player. \n\nAw yeah. [[Let's keep going.|street2][$fac = 0]]

<center><h2>[[WHALLOP!|vampfight4]]</h2></center>\n\n<<if $hasstakes is true>>You've got some stakes, which, well, that'd be a bit mean, really. Maybe just a bit more [[therapeutic violence|vampfight]] first. <<else>>Hang on, that guy looks like he's getting back up. You can go back and [[hit him again|vampfight]]. <<endif>>

<center><h2>[[WHACK!|hammerhydrant3]]</h2></center>

<center><h2>[[PSSSHHHHHTTT!|hammerhydrant4]]</h2></center>

<center><h2>[[CLANG!|hammerhydrant2]]</h2></center>

You walk up the old, worn flagstones of the stately home in which <em>She</em> lives. It's a beautiful old home, befitting the family that inherited it; people in positions of authority and power who nonetheless have it in them to be kind, to strive to help others with what they have, and to not judge those who their peers consider lesser. <em>She</em> has lovely parents, which makes sense; <em>She</em> is so lovely, after all.\n\nYou adjust your jacket one last time, and realise you're doing it nervously. The doorway looms over you, with its frosted glass panels through which golden light streams, outlining you to the world behind you, your hanging arms looking like the wings of a mighty black raven. You still the jingling of the metal about your person, draw your breath, and knock on the door.\n\nA moment passes. Far overhead, the moon slips a little further towards tomorrow. \n\nThe door creaks, an eye peeks out. Your heart stops for an instant, then Her eyes widen and you see a sliver of a smile. "Oh~♥," and it's Her, it's Her, it's Her, and She's recognised you and She's unchaining the door and stepping aside. Of course, she's not <em>inviting</em> you in. That would be crazy, since there's a non-zero chance you were made a Vampire.\n\n[[H-hi.|Finale2]]

Stepping over the threshold, you smile at Her. Your hands slip to your pockets, as you fumble your words. Birthday present, brought you, gift, got something, um-\n\n<<if $hasoil is true>>An oilcan? No, that's not sweet or cool or beautiful like she is.<<endif>> <<if $hasipod is true>>Your music player? You can't give Her that, she'll think you want to stay here forever.<<endif>> <<if $hasstakes is true>>The chunks of broken wood? That's a weapon, and she's not the same kind of fighter you are.<<endif>> <<if $hasscissors is true>>Scissors? No, nobody likes stationary as much as you do.<<endif>> <<if $haschain is true>>The chain from the hydrant? It's hardly classy.<<endif>> Your trusty claw hammer? No, no, no, that's not like her - she's not a girl with a claw hammer, she's sweet and pretty, and when she laughs, you m-\n\n"Hahah~♥, oh..." And She's leant forwards and put her lips to your forehead and you're still fumbling and...\n\n"Hi." you manage that much, at least.\n\n"I don't need a present on my birthday," she says, reaching her arms around your shoulders to hug you, in your bent-forwards awkwardness, mushing up against you pleasantly. "I'm just glad you came here. My birthday wouldn't be the same without you. ♥"\n\nAnd that's it.\n\nThat's all there has to be.\n\n<center><h3>[[End]]</h3></center>

<center><h2>FOOM!</h2></center>\n\nYou throw an arc of the oil into the flame, which bursts up into a sputtering arc of fire, bursting and sending sparks in all directions! \n\nThat was <em>awesome!</em>\n\n[[Now, about getting past the fire...|previous()]]

<h2>I CAN'T HEAR YOU\n\n[[I SAID RAD!|rad]]</h2>

by [[Talen Lee|http://press.arts-eclectic.com/]]

Examining the door, you notice that there's a darkness in the lock - which suggests that of course, the key is in it. Wait! That's perfect, that means that if you could find yourself something very flat, like - oh! Like one of your album covers upstairs? - and maybe something thin to poke at the key, you could push the key through the hole, land it on the flat thing, and pull it back through. <<if $hasoil is true>>Maybe you could oil the lock, too, to make the key push easier?<<endif>>\n\nOh, wait, no, it's just a spot of fluff. And <strong>the door is still nailed shut with bars of wood across it</strong>. \n\n[[Hey! Don't make fun of that puzzle, it's a classic.|previous()]]

<center><h2>[[CRUNCH!|vampfight3]]</h2></center>

The Montagues don't have any kind of storefront set up, and the hand-waving and gesturing you try to communicate with them mostly leads to an exchange suggestion where they point at your neck with two fingers. None of them are stupid enough to touch you in this process, which probably is just as well but the whole experience just leaves you quietly seething anyway.\n\n[[Back|previous()][$bullshit +=1]]\n