Fuck Your Bagel Holder

Life Hack: The Bagel thing is actually kinda stupid bullshit.

Seriously, if you’re actually transporting a bagel around, like a lone bagel, and you’re caring about its structural integrity I can only assume this means you’ve put something on it. A bagel is not a source of carbohydrates I personally see being exciting enough to eat without something on it. It’s not a ciabatta, for god’s sake.

So you put it in a spindle and what, you smear the cream cheese or the butter or the jam or whatever you’ve put on the bagel on the inside of the container? Or god help you, you’ve decided to transport this bagel this way with something on it like say, fish or ham? Right, so now you have a CD spindle – which broadly speaking aren’t designed to be easy to clean – that you’ve now smeared on the insides with bio-organic matter, the likes of which can go nasty and manky.

Eventually, you will want to take it out, in which case, you have now a smelly CD spindle, that you have to clean.

Consider, if you will, cling film or a plastic fucking bag. It was good enough for my school lunches, when I had them. Or does eating out of a CD spindle give you some sort of lifehacker dot com style personal fulfilment? Weird.

It just seems like turning something we already had a good solution for – transporting a sandwich – and then deciding what you really needed in your life was some way to convert the transport and the transporting device into statements about who you really are. Like somehow you want people to know you have leftover CD spindles around the house, and that you pay attention to sites full of these sorts of tedious idiocies. It’s basically like putting a bumper sticker on your face that reads I Read Lifehacker. Before the internet, you used to just have to carry the tatty magazine you favoured around.

Life hacks. Fuck me. Hacking life would be short-term solutions that expand your lifespan significantly without major changes to existing structures and with minimal tools at hand. Not ‘castrate yourself to live seven years longer.’

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